Back in April I posted about our trouble getting pregnant again. And I’ve been wanting to post more about it since but have instead taken the easy, less emotional way out and posted about all of the projects we’ve tackled this summer around the house.
But this project, this attempt for baby #2, is taking up a fair amount of our time and energy as well.
In early June my period was late and so I took a pregnancy test. And it was positive! Hooray! I went the next day to the doctor’s office for a blood test. The next day they called and said that once again, my hCG levels were low and to come back in a day or two for another test. So I did, all the while keeping my fingers crossed that things would go well. The results of the next blood test showed even lower levels. And the next day (the day we took LP to the zoo actually), I started bleeding. I tried to focus on having fun at the zoo as a family but all I could think about was that this was another lost baby.
Back to the doctor’s office I went to see what we should do and my OB/Gyn suggested I go see a reproductive endocrinologist who would do more extensive testing. Luckily, one of Boston’s best women’s hospitals also has an office on the South Shore where we live and so I have access to some of the city’s best doctors.
Off I went to the infertility clinic to try to find out more about why we’re having such trouble. They ran several blood tests and everything was fine- all of my hormone levels are totally normal and as they should be. I’m ovulating when I should. They did a test to make sure my fallopian tubes were clear as well- everything is good. Paul has been tested as well, and all is fine there. The doctor said that most likely there's nothing really wrong, it's just been bad luck that we've had 2 chemical pregnancies... She then suggested that I start taking Clomid (a drug that stimulates an increase in the amount of hormones your body produces to support the growth of eggs) to see if perhaps the extra hormones will help produce "super eggs" that will have less trouble fertilizing and implanting.
Last month I took my first round of Clomid, 5 doses on days 5-9 of my cycle. The first round of meds didn’t work. This month I’m taking it again, the same dosage but slightly earlier in my cycle. And if I don’t get pregnant this month we’ll try the Clomid one more time before moving on to the next step.
It’s been tough. We’ve been trying for 20 months now and while Paul keeps telling me to just be patient, that I’m too anxious about it, it’s hard. I know of at least 4 people who are expecting babies in the next few months, and while I’m so so happy for them I’m also a bit jealous, I won’t lie. I’m not at the point in this where I feel bitter towards other women with babies, and I’m still very happy to hold the babies of my friends, to cuddle and kiss them, and to get as much baby time as I can…. I can understand though how one might start to feel like they can’t even look at someone with a baby while going through infertility- it’s hard.
I think one of the most frustrating things for me is that there doesn’t appear to be anything wrong. I almost wish that my fallopian tubes had been blocked or something because then we could have done something about it- it would have been a problem that could be solved. But this, which basically just amounts to a whole bunch of bad luck, is hard to deal with. I want someone to be able to fix the problem, but there’s nothing to fix.
As we’ve been going through this, I’ve found myself searching online more and more for message boards and chat rooms with other women in similar positions. My friends and family all know what’s been going on and they’ve all been extremely supportive but I’ve felt like I sometimes need to vent to people who have really been there, done that. And it turns out that there are a lot of people who are going through this too- people I can bounce thoughts and ideas and crazy things off of who really and truly understand. And I’m so thankful that we live in a world where not only am I lucky enough to have great health insurance and access to great doctors but that I also have access to an online community of people in the same situation.
So we’ll keep on trucking and see what happens. But that’s where things stand for right now, still waiting, still hoping, still trying, and still keeping our fingers crossed….
p.s. Here's a great post I just read about what it's like for someone struggling with fertility to have pregnant friends. I definitely recommend scanning it if you have the time/interest.